Again no sleep, left the bed and my husband to rest and lie alone in the spare room, can't disturb everyone and cried, no, sobbed for hours, result eyes swollen today and feel light headed. As much as I love my son I have decided that if he doesn't leave on the 3rd as promised I will. I have explained to my husband that I just can't handle it anymore and it's making me ill. If I leave he will feel he has to. Is that how a mother should feel? Haven't I been loving and supportive at the risk of my own health for long enough? He moved back 'temporarily', a poor track record at home, doesn't work, is agressive, doesn't care about making a mess, noise, he can become abusive, otherwise it's calling me obsessively and I never escape, the constant cries of 'I wish I was dead' he doesn't know that I wish I was. That was two months ago. First of all it was we'll be gone in a couple of days, then it was two weeks, then it was four weeks, then it was the 22nd of this month, now it's the 3rd of June. That's it. My depression is getting a grip. Not because of my son, it just seems endless, will it ever end. Will I ever feel normal? Feels like I have cared too much for too long and now am numb to everything. The endless sleeplessness is leaving me exhausted and unable to focus on anything. I want to pack a bag, walk out and never come back. Today is not a good day. I am seeing a friend later, also very low and I will be supportive and make all the right noises but I'm dead inside, like my heart has turned to stone, the emotional pain is a physical pain, I feel it like an ache in my heart.

There is a reluctance to speak so openly as people here may be brought down but then again if I don't say it to someone who will listen I will explode. I know some people will ask what's wrong sometime today and I will reply, 'nothing' 'everything'

Sorry